Old Diseases
by realnikkiheat
Summary: Castle had immediately gone into overdrive, insisting on making everything special, on going all out for their first New Year's Eve since the wedding. So she's letting him whisk her away to a quiet hamlet at the very East end of the Hamptons, nicknamed The End. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Kate wakes gradually, slowly pulling herself out of a thick fog of sleep. Reality comes back to her in bits and pieces- the gentle glide of the car traveling around a corner, the cool window against her forehead, the faint tune floating out from the radio. Finally she turns in her seat, letting her head loll to the other side; she forces her heavy eyelids open and finds Castle smiling gently, eyes darting between her and the road.

"Welcome back," he speaks softly. Beckett only returns his smile, brushing a clumsy hand through her hair and forcing herself to sit up, wincing at the sharp pain in her neck and shoulders. She plucks her water bottle from the center console, downing a few warm sips as she comes back to herself. The world outside the car is dark, headlights serving as the only source of light on the snowy country road.

Geez, how long was she out? She can barely remember loading their bags into the car, settling in for the three hour drive…

"You were asleep before we left the city," Castle answers her unspoken question, amusement in his voice. "We're almost there, shouldn't be more than twenty minutes."

"Sorry, Castle," she chuckles, "you did marry a cop."

"Hey, don't worry about it," he quickly assures her, running a hand softly over her knee. "You've been working yourself to the bone. Honestly, I'm just glad to see you sleeping."

Beckett catches herself playing with her rings, sits on her hands to stop the nervous habit. "Still. Not a great start to our romantic getaway, huh?"

"Well," Castle smirks at her, squeezing her knee, "if you really feel that badly about it, I'm sure you can find an opportunity to make it up to me." She only rolls her eyes, savouring the faint tingle that spreads through her at the look in his eyes, the warmth that lingers at the spot where his hand rests against her.

Truthfully, she's pleased to see him smiling. He's been moping around the loft ever since Alexis announced she'd be heading up to a cabin with friends a few days after Christmas. Kate had done her best to comfort her despondent husband, eventually calling in every favour she could to secure some days off around New Year's Eve. She'll be working weekends until she's old and gray, but the look on Castle's face had been worth it.

She honestly would have been fine with a quiet few days in the loft- might have even preferred it. Or hell, they could have holed up in the Hamptons house. But Castle had immediately gone into overdrive, insisting on making everything _special_, on going all out for their first New Year's Eve since the wedding.

So she's letting him whisk her away to a quiet hamlet at the very East end of the Hamptons, nicknamed The End.

She had huffed at the name, of course. What a not-at-all-ominous-sounding place to bring their fledgling marriage.

Her eyes catch on the eerie green glow of the car's digital clock; Beckett bites her lip at the time.

"You sure they'll still have our room?"

"I called while I was waiting for you to finish up at the precinct," Castle assures her. "Let them know we'd be running late."

Beckett hums, cringing at the memory of why they were late in the first place. Her fault, of course. Trying to wrap things up at the precinct, always trying to fit in one more report or tie up one more loose end.

She leans her head against the window again, staring out at the dark houses that pepper the landscape as they enter the town. Honestly, she makes him wait around the precinct for hours and then passes out in the car. Sexy, Kate.

"Hey, don't worry about it," Castle obviously catches her reaction before she can bury it, his voice low as his hand finds her knee again. Beckett nods, knows it's not convincing at all. Sometimes all his assurances just make her feel _worse_. He's so accommodating, puts up with so much just because he loves her. Usually their dynamic works for her, but sometimes she just wants to be _more_.

"Kate, seriously," he sighs, "it's _not_ a big deal."

"I know." She forces herself to sit up and stop pouting, wraps her arms tightly around her stomach. "Ignore me. I'm just…" She blows out a long breath, waving a hand in the air.

"You've been pretty stressed out," he supplies, quickly brushing a strand of hair behind her ear before he steers them up the long driveway leading to the inn. "It's been a tough few weeks, with Christmas, and that case…"

Her stomach rolls, and she clutches herself harder, wraps herself up in her own embrace.

"Can we not talk about that?" Her voice is thin to her own ears. Images she doesn't want to see ever again are floating across her mind; echoes of things she wants to forget were ever said are ringing in her ears.

"Of course," he quickly agrees, an obviously false note of cheerfulness in his tone. "That's why we're here, right?" He slows the car to a gentle stop, parks right in front of the lobby. "Let's go relax. Forget for a little while."

She can barely make out the façade of the building in the dark, but warm, yellow light pours out from large picture windows. Beckett takes in the enormous Christmas trees adorning the foyer, lets her eyes slip out of focus as she stares at the bright lights.

Castle slips they keys out of the ignition, "You coming in?" His voice is startlingly loud in the quiet car.

Beckett nods, but doesn't move to follow as he hops out into the snowy parking lot. She stays wrapped around herself, gives herself one more long, quiet moment before she unfurls her body and trails after her husband.

The rest of the night is a quiet affair. Castle huffs when he catches her listening to messages from the precinct while he checks them in. But before she can defend herself, he's pasting the smile back on his face. So determined not to let anything ruin this trip. Not even his wife.

Kate can't quite seem to wake up, to off shake off the lingering lethargy of her nap. They run up to the room to drop off their bags, Castle oohing and aahing over every little romantic detail- the private balcony, the fireplace, the large, plush bed. She barely notices it. Feels like she's under water.

They manage to make it to the restaurant just before ten- it's only them and one other couple at this point.

"You're sure you're okay with just soup?" Castle asks once their meals are delivered. Beckett just meets his eyes and nods, humming softly; too exhausted to stomach real food at this point.

"If you say so… You sure you don't want some?" Castle tips his glass of wine toward her, eyebrows raised.

"Castle, honestly, I will fall asleep at this table," she admits, taking care not to snap. To his credit, Castle doesn't push anymore; just squeezes her hand with a sympathetic smile before he returns to his steak.

They eat in relative silence, broken only by the quiet piano music filtering through the room. Beckett finishes long before him and finds herself taking in the room- the dim candle light, the soft music, the warm, green garland strung along the rafters, twinkling with Christmas lights. She could almost drift off again.

Instead, she turns her attention to Castle, watching quietly as he eats. She can't help but feel the day has been ruined, largely because of her. What was supposed to be a romantic getaway has ended up as a silent dinner in an empty restaurant. She just wants to get back to the room and fall asleep. Try again tomorrow.

"You okay?" Castle worries, glancing up at her as he finishes with his meal. Beckett finds her reflexive response of 'I'm fine' on the tip of her tongue, but she swallows it, remembering his words to her earlier in the week.

"I'm sorry this night was kind of a bust," she shrugs one shoulder. "I'm ruining our vacation, and you're being so good about it…"

"Kate, seriously," he reaches across the table, his large hand dwarfing hers. "It's fine. Stuff happens." His thumb is tracing circles across the back of her hand now, a calming touch that she's grown to love. "And we only just got here- nothing is ruined. Honestly, I'm exhausted, too. Let's head back to the room and crash for the night, start fresh tomorrow?"

Beckett nods, tossing him a small smile as she flips her hand to tangle her fingers with his.

"This is going to be a great New Year's Eve," he smiles as her, eyes shining, "you'll see. Just the two of us."

Kate doesn't blink, doesn't let her gaze waver as she slides her free hand to rest on her lower stomach.

_Just the two of us_.

Not for long.


	2. Chapter 2

Beckett's hot when she wakes up the next morning- her face buried against sleep-warmed skin, heat pressed all along her front. She gradually opens her eyes, finds herself wrapped around Castle's back. One arm trapped between their bodies, the other wrapped around his chest; one leg draped snugly over his hip.

Odd.

But it's already coming back to her; hazy, vaguely familiar images dancing across her mind. She dreamt about the little boy in the dumpster. About his mother, weeping as she insisted that she hadn't meant to hurt him. The shrill pitch of her cries, the smell of alcohol on her breath so vivid in Kate's memory, even in sleep.

Fighting it out with Castle, sending him home. All his accusations ringing hollowly in her ears. That awful, stifled feeling coming back to her, stubborn silence clawing at her from the inside out.

And other things, too. Things that never happened. Other fights she's only imagined. Other children lying lifeless in the snow. Children she has yet to meet. One child in particular.

She remembers waking in the middle of the night, distressed and disoriented. Clumsily reaching out for Castle, wrapping herself around whatever part of him she could reach and burrowing down, the baby safe between them.

She can feel that strange sadness creeping up on her again as she focuses on her dream, a burning behind her eyes and a thick feeling gathering in her throat. So she curls back into her husband, nestles her head against the back of his neck and inhales deeply while her free hand roams gently along his chest.

"Okay back there?" Castle's voice is low but clear, his body shaking with his soft chuckle.

Damn. She must have really been dead to the world if he's up before she is.

Beckett shifts down, hums an affirmative against the notch of his spine and wraps her arm tighter around him. Her hand expands its exploration, running over the hills and valleys of his body that are so familiar to her now. Her fingertips trip over the planes of his chest, the firm bulge of his bicep, the softer muscles of his stomach; she smirks affectionately against his skin, her hand sliding down over the jut of his hip.

"You're not dreaming, are you?" She chuckles in response to his question, feels his body tense as her laugh races down his spine. She shifts her hand lower, can feel the heat of him through his boxers as he slowly grows hard under her touch.

She's content to go slowly this morning. Happy to have her husband wrapped in her arms, to gently work him up as she savours all her favourite parts of him. His heavy breathing grows deeper with every pass of her hand, and she can feel her own breath slowing down to match his as the anxiety trickles out of her.

Castle's apparently had enough slow seduction, though- he finally turns in her arms, joints groaning even to her own ears as he awkwardly shifts their embrace. One hand brushes the hair away from her face and the other slides down to her hip, pulling her against him so she lets out a soft gasp.

"Am _I_ dreaming?" His eyes are clear and playful, a small smile on his lips as he takes her in.

"If this were your dream, I don't think your knees would pop like that." She can't resist, tosses out the barb with a smirk even as she grinds against him, hands running over the length of his back.

"_Beckett_," he groans, burying his head against her neck and leaving a sloppy trail of kisses down to her shoulder, "don't talk about how old I am. You know it ruins the mood."

"So sorry, Castle," she laughs, the light, airy sound escaping her lips before she can think about it. She awkwardly snakes one hand between them, slips her fingers past his waistband to grasp the hard length of him. "Wanna show me how young you feel?"

She tangles her other hand in his hair to pull his face up for a kiss, but he's already halfway there, rolling on top of her as his lips find hers with a growl. Beckett takes his weight, lets him press her into the mattress. She can still feel the last vestiges of worry at the edge of her mind, but for now there's a soft, blissful feeling racing through her, bubbling under her skin wherever Castle touches her and eager to be set free.

* * *

Morning is bleeding into afternoon by the time they drag themselves out of the hotel room, but Castle still insists on taking her for breakfast before anything else. After they scarf down the biggest Belgian waffles she's ever seen- well, she assumes he had a waffle under all that whipped cream- she convinces him to walk it off along the beach.

It's a surreal feeling, strolling along the coast in the middle of winter. There's a chill in the air, enough to warrant scarf and gloves, and a thin layer of snow crunches under their feet as they make their way down to the shore before it gives way to sand. There's a blanket of snow and ice at the edge of the coast, extending out a few yards until it finally melts into the water. Kate can't help the small gasp that escapes her as she takes in the frozen ocean, icy air whipping through her and filling her lungs.

Castle's already heading straight for it, shuffling out onto the ice and making his way down the coast. There's a man farther down the beach playing fetch with a large dog; Castle seems to be making his way to him, occasionally yelling back to Kate about how cool this all is.

She's content to hang back and watch, though, rolling her eyes fondly. Honestly, how many years has he been coming out to the Hamptons? This can't be new to him. He's still having fun with it, though. Bright and enthusiastic as ever.

He's going to be such a good dad.

The thought seemingly comes out of nowhere, sharp and loud, piercing her heart like an arrow. Of course she knows he's great with Alexis, has known since she met him, when every quiet moment between him and his daughter thawed her heart toward him a little more. And she's thought about it idly these past few years, what he'll be like with their kids.

But it's never been so real before. This baby is coming. And she's so glad it will have Castle as a father. She wants her children to be loved the way he loves. He'll be amazing.

And she'll be…what? Leaving her child in the dead of night to go chase down a murderer? Frantically trying to wrap up a case to make it home on Christmas Eve? Passing on all her baggage and insecurity to their children? The problems, the reasons she can't do this are piling up, and she's tried to avoid it but-

She wants her mom. She wants her mom to teach her, help her, show her how to do this. She's supposed to have a mom here to guide her, but she doesn't and now she's just…lost.

And what happens when history repeats itself? When she doesn't come home one night? Or when it's her child's body in the dumpster? Her child lying alone in an alley?

She can't even tell him yet. Can't bring herself to say the words aloud. She can feel them rolling around inside her mouth, but she needs to process them some more, think them over. Needs to somehow anchor herself in this mess before she drags him in with her.

That's not right, is it? They're married now. She should be ready. She'd thought she was. She _was_. But then change blew through and left her floundering again, shutting herself behind her walls, desperate to regroup before he notices.

She catches sight of Castle jogging back to her, the movement pulling her out of her trance. She's been standing in one spot for so long that her legs are growing stiff from the cold, her nose tingling in the chilly air.

"Kate!" He's a little out of breath, panting as he approaches her, "That guys says there's a great fudge place on Main Street! How did we miss that? We need to go back before we leave! Also, he told me all about the Montauk Monster! You've got to see this, Beckett!" He skids to a stop in front of her, talking more to himself now as he searches for something on his phone. Beckett can only stand quietly, his wave of enthusiasm clashing with her dark mood.

"It washed up a couple years ago; it's got to be some kind of mutant…" Castle finally pauses, looking up curiously when Kate remains silent. "You okay?"

She nods, knowing her reaction is too slow to be convincing, "Yeah, just tired."

"Kate," he sighs, abandoning his phone and slipping his arms around her waist. He pulls her into him; she can feel the warmth of his chest through their winter layers. "I can tell when something's bothering you-"

"It's just stress, like you said-"

"If it's that case-"

"I'm not talking about that case anymore," she cuts him off firmly, pulling back but remaining in the circle of his arms.

"Don't shut me out again, Kate," he pleads. She can tell by the look on his face that his mood is quickly shifting; can read his emotions flickering from confusion to sadness to anger.

"I'm not, I just-"

"You are, Beckett," he finally snaps. "You sent me home." She feels a lingering stab of guilt at the hurt in his voice, can't bring herself to meet his eyes. "We saw all that horrible… The scene. The body." Beckett can hear the struggle in his tone, the way he forces himself to say the words. "We had to stand around the precinct talking about a dead child, and then you sent me home. You kicked me out and stayed at the precinct all night." He's worked up now, breathing deeply as she steps out of his grasp.

"It was too much for you," she reminds him firmly. "You shouldn't have been there-"

"So it was better to kick me out? Send me home to deal with it on my own? Without you?" Kate grimaces at the thought, but he continues before she can open her mouth. "To worry about you, breaking down all alone in the bullpen?"

She has no answer for that. Because it's true- isn't that exactly what she did? She finally let everything overtake her as she sat at her desk in the dead of night, the only one left in the precinct. And then she patched herself up, returned home to her husband with a brave face. Only to be met with a fight she was too exhausted to handle.

"It's okay to fall apart in front of me, Kate," his voice is quiet now; she can practically see the fight draining out of him. "Why can't you understand that?"

Castle looks ready to fall apart himself, sad and angry. Because she left him alone when he needed her. Because she forced him to do the same to her.

But she doesn't say anything to him, finds she has no words to comfort him. Her mind is short-circuiting, overwhelmed with thoughts of how she keeps hurting him, keeps setting them back. Thoughts of a child she's already failed.

Beckett feels the stinging behind her eyes, the icy prickling as she tears up. But she only draws her scarf tighter against the wind and stares back at her partner, the two of them facing off in silence on the frozen beach.


	3. Chapter 3

Eventually, they seem to come to a wordless agreement that nothing is going to be solved here, on this beach. They walk back up to the hotel without speaking, a silent admittance of defeat. Kate quickly shuts herself in the bathroom, mumbling an excuse about getting ready for the party.

It's absolutely ridiculous because who wants to go to a party with their spouse when they're both so hurt they can barely speak to each other? But she needs _something_, something normal and routine to escape the tension between them. Besides, the alternative is spending an unbearably awkward night shuffling around the hotel room.

This is one of the strangest things about their relationship now, something that she'd had to adjust to when they moved in together. This thing where they fight and they don't solve it and they're both angry, but they're both still…here. Where they tiptoe around each other and both just live with it until they come to a resolution.

It's difficult and uncomfortable, and sometimes it even makes her miss her old apartment and the ability to hide away. Yet at the same time, there's something comforting in this new pattern. Something that makes her want to stay, even while the voice in the back of her head urges her to get away.

So she spends way too long in the shower, spends way too long curling her hair and perfecting her makeup. She spends almost ten minutes just staring at herself in the mirror after she slips the diamond pendant around her neck. She'd been so excited- in an immature, girlish way- for Castle to see her wearing it for the first time. He's only seen it over her pajamas on Christmas morning; she'd picked out her dress specifically to show it off, had been anticipating the look on his face. But now-

As it is, she's still ready for the party hours ahead of time. Castle doesn't react to the pendant, doesn't even comment on the low-cut blue dress; he slides past her in the bedroom doorway so quickly he probably doesn't even notice her outfit. Beckett settles in at the kitchenette, perched uncomfortably on a barstool, and listens to him rummage around for a few moments before the shower starts up.

His pouting is insufferable- she's told him as much. But then, she's the one who shut down, didn't she?

Kate manages to distract herself for a little while, flipping through the resort visitor's guide. She can't help the soft smile on her face when she scans the 'Local Shopping' page and notices Fudge N' Stuff- that must have been the place Castle was talking about. It'll be closed tomorrow, but hopefully they can stop by on Wednesday before they leave, pick up some treats to take home…

She's idly reading over the resort's spa services when her eyes fall on the 'Mother to be Massage'-

She slams the book shut, finds herself playing with her rings again. The thought briefly flickers across her mind- she could tell him now. It would surely distract him and end this whole thing. But no, she quickly chastises herself, that's horrible. That's not the way she wants this to happen. Kate might not be as romantic as her husband, but she wants something better for her family.

Still, she can only stay quiet for so long before this turns into another hurtful secret. There's a difference between waiting for the perfect moment, and hiding it from him. So they need to solve this. Now.

The bedroom door opens behind her, and Kate takes a deep breath before spinning around to face her partner. But it's Castle who breaks the silence, speaking before she's even opened her mouth.

"I'm not stupid, Kate."

The harsh words startle her, and Beckett freezes for a moment before stuttering out a reply, "I…know?"

"I knew who you were when I married you," he continues. _What the hell?_ Kate bristles at his comment, rising to her feet to meet him as he moves toward her.

"I'm sorry?" She raises her eyebrows, can feel her jaw tightening. "Must be awful for you. Marrying me when there's something so wrong with me."

"You seem to think so," his words are calm, but the shift throws her once again; leaves her staring at him blankly. Castle sighs, running a hand down his jaw, shoulders flexing under his suit jacket. "I know that…this stuff," he gestures between the two of them, "doesn't always come easily to you. And I know you're always trying," he rushes to assure her, "always growing."

"I am," Beckett nods, pulse still thundering even as her anger dissipates, "I am trying. And it's not that I don't feel-"

"I know," Castle stops her gently with a hand on her arm, "and sometimes, things go wrong and we're great, and we pull through. And then sometimes…" He withdraws his hand, looking a little lost. "It's like you're trying to protect me from yourself."

Her first urge is to deny, get defensive and turn it around- who wants to admit that about their marriage? But Kate tamps down the impulse, letting the truth bubble to the surface as she shifts her gaze over his shoulder. She forces it out quietly, the words like sandpaper in her mouth, "Sometimes, I am."

He looks a little shocked at her easy acceptance, but after a moment of silence, he muddles on, "Okay…So, here's the thing. I know how you deal with things. I know you need space. And most of the time, that's fine." He pauses again, waiting quietly until Beckett meets his gaze. "And when it's not fine, I'll tell you. Like now. Like with that case."

She just nods some more, feeling her throat closing up with some confusing emotion. "It's good," the words are rough, but her voice doesn't waver. "It's good when you let me know that you need me. I know I need to be reminded sometimes…"

"And what I'm saying is, that's fine," Castle grasps the hand hanging limply at her side, ducking down a little to catch her gaze. "When you need space, or shut down, and we fight it out? I signed on for all of that. I _know_ you, Beckett. But when you try to hide the messy parts from me? That's when it hurts. It's like you don't think I can handle it-"

"No," she cuts him off quickly, shaking her head and glancing down to gather her thoughts. "It's not that. I know you can handle it- anything. I just feel like you shouldn't-" she shrugs, letting out a deep sigh before meeting his gaze again. "But you're right."

"There's nothing _wrong_ with you, Beckett," he squeezes her hand imploringly. "There's no part of you I don't want to see."

"I know," it comes out on a choked laugh, because really- the man writes novels about her, has spent countless hours just observing her. He really does want to see it _all_. "I just need to get used to it. I thought I'd be used to it by now," she admits on a sigh.

But Castle surprises her, shrugging good-naturedly, "I don't mind that we still have things to discover. I kind of hope we always will," he admits with a shy, boyish grin that shoots straight to her heart. "Just as long as we're both…here," he steps into her, releasing her hand to slide his arms around her waist.

Kate quickly returns his embrace; she hasn't put her shoes on yet, and the difference in height lets her bury her face in his chest, inhaling his clean scent, "I'm sorry I sent you home," she mumbles against his skin, feeling him grip her harder at her words. "It was selfish. You needed me."

She pulls back, makes sure he's looking at her when she continues, "And I needed you. And it didn't…" She shakes her head rapidly, trying to fight back the rush of emotions resurfacing from that night. "It didn't work. It didn't make me feel any better."

She can see the sadness tingeing his gaze, expects a guilty _'oh, Kate…_' and is ready to comfort him. But he surprises her by pulling her back into his body, meeting her lips in a soft kiss. Beckett lets it linger, not pushing for anything more despite the wave of relief and happiness and want crashing over her.

She's so tired of being alone- of _forcing_ herself to be alone when that's not what she really needs, just to prove some strange point. She just wants to be here now, with her husband, this child between them, and let everything happen.

* * *

They made the right choice in coming to the party. She feels a little off balance after their talk, a slight awkwardness still lingering between them as it always does after a big fight. But here there are lights and noise and people, and they can laugh and show each other off and decompress. Let it go.

Beckett knows she's being a little clingy; holding onto his arm a little too tightly, following a little too close as Castle expertly mingles with the other guests. It's a habit she picked up somewhere along the way in their relationship- holding on too tightly after a fight, as if she's still trying to make it up to him.

So she excuses herself, offering to go find drinks as he's chatting with an older woman who claims to have read every one of his books. Figures she can grab some cider without him noticing while he's distracted by his number one fan and her bored-looking husband.

Kate lingers at the bar, sipping at her drink and enjoying the moment of quiet. There's a large Christmas tree in the far corner of the room, and she finds herself losing her gaze in the small, twinkling lights. She's not sure how long she's been standing there when she feels strong arms slide around her waist.

"Here you are," his voice rumbles against her skin, and she can hear his smile without looking up. "I was worried you ran off. Thought maybe you caught the eye of some billionaire investment banker."

"Don't worry," Kate smirks, still gazing at the tree. She grasps the heavy pendant lying against her chest and holds it up in the light. "I'm pretty sure you've staked your claim."

Castle huffs against her, placing a warm kiss to her neck as one hand slips over her shoulder, plucking diamond from her hand and fingering it delicately. A shiver runs through her as his fingers brush against her collarbone, his lips resting against her skin, and she can't fight the soft smile that overtakes her. The necklace was _too much_, really- even for their first Christmas as a married couple, or however else he'd tried to justify it. But still…

"Do you remember our first Christmas? When you gave up the Christmas Eve shift?" His question startles her out of her daze, and Beckett glances up to see that he's followed her gaze to the massive, glittering Christmas tree.

"Remember? It was only three years ago, Castle," she smiles coyly. "Surely your memory can't be going already." She gets a pinch in the side for that one, flinching in his arms.

"Do you remember when Mother and Alexis left? When it was just me and you, under the tree?"

"And we started our own tradition?" She grins, leaning back in his arms and turning her head so her nose grazes his jaw. "Of course."

"My favourite tradition," he murmurs with a cocky grin, darting in for a quick kiss. But when he pulls back, his face is serious; open and honest. "That's the moment I knew."

"…You knew you loved me when we had sex under your Christmas tree?" Kate can't help laughing as she quirks and eyebrow- this makes no sense. She _knows_ that's not when he knew.

He shakes his head, smiling softly, "No. After, when we were lying under the tree, all wrapped up in blankets. The way you looked at me… That's when I knew you loved me. That we really could be together forever."

"It took you that long?" Kate asks quietly, a little startled, a little hurt.

"I always knew there was something," he assures her, eyes flicking over her face. "Before, when you would look at me… I would let myself hope that you felt the same way. And after we finally dove in, sometimes, the way you'd look at me…" He trails off, his eyes tender on her face, and she twists in his arms to curl into his chest.

"But I didn't want to rush things," he shakes his head, seemingly clearing whatever cloud just formed in his mind. "I didn't want to admit to myself that it could be true. It's like… I was afraid that if I decided you loved me, before I heard it from you, I would be jinxing us somehow. It took us so long to get there, thinking too far ahead seemed like a bad omen."

She can't help smiling at her sweet, superstitious husband. "So, then, what? A Christmas miracle?"

He matches her grin, eyes crinkling in the corners. "I tried to tell myself it was just the lights, or the fact that it was Christmas Eve, or the fact that we'd just had really amazing sex." He pauses again, lets her roll her eyes. "But I just _knew_. The way you looked at me…you were someone in love."

"It took me a few more months to say as much," she reminds him shyly.

"I'm well aware," he nods knowingly, chuckling a bit. "But that was fine. Because that night…I knew. It was like some weight lifted off me, something I didn't even realize was holding me down." He closes the gap between them, kissing her slowly. His lips are soft against hers, and she nips at him affectionately, smiling when he pulls away.

"I knew, Kate," His face is serious, but she can see the smile in his eyes. "I've known ever since then."

She can only nod, a thick feeling in her throat as she realizes just what he's saying, what he's trying to give her. She's just tired. Tired of trying to do it all alone. And here's this man, so willing to walk with her.

She suddenly wishes she had done things differently. Wonders what it might have been like to bring him to the drugstore, let him run around like an excited puppy and pick out a pregnancy test. To have him holding her hand as she sat on the edge of the bathtub, chewing her nails as she waited for the result. He would have been so happy, hugged her and lifted her in the air; he would have been ecstatic. And he could have known for the past week, could have used his words to put her fears to rest.

There's one hour left in the year, and she doesn't want to waste it. She can start next year off better, live it better.

Her stomach flutters, and it's ridiculous, she knows- the fetus inside her is barely developed, won't be moving for a while now. But she can't help the silly, romantic thought that maybe the baby is happy, too; maybe he or she can feel her anticipation. Eager to tell daddy.

He's still staring at her, confusion crossing his face as she smiles excitedly. But she only wraps her arms tightly around his waist, pressing her body against him and leaning in to whisper in his ear.

Time to share.


End file.
